BIBLICAL BASEBALL (copyright 1989,2010)

Some say Abner Doubleday invented the game of baseball. Others say Alexander Cartwright did.  Some think they know when the first game was played.  Others aren’t so sure.  But now that the last of the Dead Sea Scrolls have been found by one of the oldest, and until now, previously unknown Biblical Baseball Scholars named Frank Leviticus, the members of the Biblical Baseball Association(BBA), now have proof of what they have always believed in their hearts.  Baseball was first played in Genesis; In the Big Inning. (Genesis 1:1)

And in the seventh inning God rested, thus making the seventh inning stretch a mandatory part of every game. (Genesis 2:2)

Biblical Baseball

In the big inning God warned Adam and Eve to lay off the curve and wait for the fastball. (Genesis 2:16-17) The Arizona Diamondback Pitcher however, (some Biblical Baseball scholars believe it was really a Tampa Bay Devil Ray Pitcher) enticed Eve into taking a swing at his curve ball (Genesis 3:1-6), and after she missed, she persuaded Adam into taking a swing. (Genesis 3:6)  And after he missed, God gave Adam and Eve their release (Genesis 3:23) and promised that because of their actions all catchers would develop bad knees, and artificial turf would replace grass.

Years later, Cain killed Abel in the outfield (Genesis 4:8) by swinging a Louisville Slugger across his head. Cain was jealous of Abel, because though they were both hitting a solid .340 and Cain had more home runs, God found Abel’s 1.000 fielding percentage in left field more favorable than Cain’s .850 in right field.  (Most Biblical Baseball scholars believe that God looked more favorably on Abel because whereas Abel played his best to honor God both at-bat and in the field, Cain was a selfish one-dimensional player who though he had the potential to be a great outfielder never offered God his best in the field.)

“Where is Abel thy brother?” God asked. (Genesis 4:9)

“I don’t know, but You would have looked favorably on me if You had allowed the designated hitter,” Cain answered. From then on, Cain was marked by God with a bad attitude and was constantly traded from one team to the next.  (Cain is considered by most Biblical Baseball Scholars to be the first journeyman of baseball.)

From Cain came Enoch. Enoch walked with God. (Genesis 5:22, 24) In fact, all Enoch ever did was draw walks. (The King James abstract, the best-known authority on all Biblical Baseball statistics notes that Enoch was the first person ever to draw an intentional walk. Enoch’s official batting average was .000, and he holds the record for the most walks. In The Book of Enoch, AKA The Mysticism of Walking, Enoch writes a How-to book on drawing a base on balls, and it is believed to be the first How-to book ever written for baseball.)

Then Adam and Eve begot Seth, and from Seth’s line came a great pitcher named Noah.

But before the time of Noah, the Nephilim played the game.  They are considered the first heroes of the game. They played for the first team; The Giants.  It is said of the Nephilim: They were the heroes of old, men of renown. (Genesis 6:4).

Noah played during the dark ages of the game. (Genesis 6:5) It was a time when players sandpapered balls, threw spitballs, corked their bats, and took performance-enhancing herbs. Umpires were easily bribed, and many players accepted money to throw games. (Many Biblical baseball scholars believe the corruptness was due to the fact that there was no commissioner over Baseball during this period.)

But God also saw how Noah was the only player who did not cheat. He saw how Noah prayed for rain every time he was scheduled to pitch, so he would not be a part of the corruptness.  And because of that, Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. (Genesis 6:8) And when the corruptness finally got out of hand, and God could no longer handle how the game was being played, God said to Noah, “When you build it (Genesis 6:15), the rain will come.” It took a while for Noah to figure out the “it” was an ark.

After Noah built the ark, God told Noah to gather his family and two mascots from every team into it. Once Noah, his family, and the animal-mascots were safe God rained out the remaining forty games in every team’s schedule. And when the rain had cleared, a rainbow (Genesis 9:13) led Noah to a Field of Dreams where he and his family, and his family’s family, played for many years.

From the generations of Noah came Cush. Cush begot Nimrod. (Genesis 10-8) Nimrod (known to his fans as N-Rod) was a mighty player. (Genesis 10:8-9)  N-Rod was considered mighty because he hit the most, and farthest homeruns of his time. He was the highest paid player of his day.

For a while all teams had the same signs, and this caused many brawls because players were constantly stealing the other team’s signs. So God caused each team’s signs to appear as babble to those who were not on the same team. (Genesis 11:7) And each team then had its own signs.

And then it came to pass that a man named Abraham distinguished himself by becoming the first player to refuse membership to the Major League Pagan Players Association (MLPPA).  And God liked what Abraham had done.  And He saw that it was good. And He called upon Abraham to leave the team he was playing for and to join a new team. (Genesis 12:1) And He promised Abraham that if he played for only one God and circumcised himself, He’d make him the first commissioner over all of baseball, guarantee that his descendants would win an Old Testament Series, and help them build a retractable SkyDome in Jerusalem. (Genesis 12:2-3) Some of the best hitters during Abraham’s time played for the Hittites. (Genesis 15:20)

Abraham’s circumcision sealed the contract between God and Abraham. (Genesis 17:11) (Some Biblical Baseball scholars believe that the whole circumcision thing was really just God’s way of telling Abraham, who was having trouble hitting .300 toward the end of his playing career, to choke up.)

When God informed Abraham that He wanted to destroy the stadiums in Sodom and Gomorrah (home of the Sodom Sinners and Gomorrah Gangsters) because none of its players had any respect for the game, Abraham convinced God to spare the stadiums, if at least ten people could be found who would agree to only play slow-pitch softball. (Genesis 18:32) But ten people could not be found.

However, God saw that there were a few players who had refused to play for the Sinners and Gangsters, and who had great respect for the game. They were Lot, his wife, and their two daughters. They were told to leave the stadiums behind, and to not look back at the destruction God was going to cause. Lot’s wife looked back and became a pillar of rosin. (Genesis 19:26) (A small minority of Biblical Baseball scholars claim that Lot’s wife became a pillar of sand. An even smaller minority suggest a foul pole. A minority of the small minority of Biblical Baseball scholars who claim a pillar of sand also believe that the sand combined with the name Lot is why the place where some players played baseball was called a sandlot. A majority of Biblical Baseball scholars do however agree that the lesson of Lot’s wife is that no batter should look behind in an attempt to steal the catcher’s signs.)

Before God officially made Abraham commissioner, He decided to have him manage a team.  As a manager, Abraham brought his team to the seventh game of the Egyptian Playoffs.  And in the bottom of the ninth, with runners on first and second, two outs, and his team down by two runs, his son Isaac (the best clutch hitter in the Old Testament thus far) stepped to the plate.  And it was then that God put Abraham to the test.

“Abraham,” God called out. “Give your son Isaac the sacrifice bunt sign.” (Genesis 22:2)

But God, Abraham thought, there are two outs, I can’t sacrifice Isaac.  Abraham however, quickly realized that God was the Boss and he went ahead with the sacrifice. Isaac squared around to bunt, but just before the pitch reached his bat, the Angel of the Lord appeared and told Abraham to take back the sacrifice bunt sign. So Abraham stopped the sacrifice of Isaac. And then Isaac hit the next pitch over the fence for a three run homer to win the series. After the game, God officially declared Abraham commissioner over all of baseball, and allowed him to pass the knuckleball on to his son Isaac.

With the help of the knuckleball, Isaac found himself pitching years after he could no longer hit.  And it was only because he went blind toward the end of his career that he retired.  Shortly after he retired he got ready to pass the secret of the knuckleball on to his eldest son Esau. But Jacob’s mother Rebekah tricked the blind Isaac into showing his youngest son, Jacob, instead (Genesis 27:6-10), because she, being one of the first pitching coaches ever (Biblical baseball scholars note that Rebekah had worked with pitchers all her life, SEE Genesis 24:15-18, 20), felt that Jacob’s hands were better equipped. Jacob consequently became the first pitcher to win thirty games. Esau complained about the trick and Isaac showed him how to throw the curve, his second best pitch. And though Esau had some good years, Jacob’s success always overshadowed them. (Genesis 27:38-40)

Jacob was the first pitcher to pitch off a mound. For as it is written: Jacob said to his teammates, “Gather stones.” (Genesis 31:46) And his teammates, as it is further written: “fetched stones and made a mound.” (Genesis 31:46) (In fact, most Biblical Baseball scholars believe that Jacob invented the mound, and that the mound was what enabled Jacob to become the first thirty game winner.  It should be noted that the King James Abstract in its translation of the Hebrew uses the word “heap” instead of “mound.”  Another translation of the Hebrew, authored by Robert Alter1 that some Biblical Baseball scholars claim is a more accurate translation of the Hebrew uses the word “mound.”)

It then came to pass that a California Angel of God challenged Jacob to a game of stickball. The Angel beaned Jacob in the thigh (Genesis 32:25), but Jacob still won.  For his victory he was blessed by the California Angel of God and allowed to name and bless the first Twelve Teams of Israel. (Genesis 49:1-28) The California Angel of God also changed Jacob’s name to Israel (Genesis 32:28) and the name of the California Angel of God (for no apparent reason, that any Biblical Baseball scholar can think of) changed its name to the Los Angeles Angel of God.

The first Twelve Teams of Israel were broken down into two divisions of six. (Biblical Baseball scholars note that for a while there were actually fourteen teams broken down into two divisions of seven. Two other teams were named who are no longer considered part of the official Twelve Teams though both those teams played many games with the other twelve before disbanding. Those teams were the Levi Lefties, who decided to become umpires instead of players, and the Joseph Jackets. Joseph decided to let his sons Ephraim and Manessah take over and make teams of their own.)

The names of the Twelve Teams of Israel were as follows; The Menasseh Mets; The Simeon Senators; The Dan Dodgers; The Asher Astros; The Benjamin Browns; The Reuben Reds; The Gad Grays; The Naphtali Naps; The Ephraim Eckfords; The Issachar Infants; The Judah Jackals; and The Zebulun Zions.

And then it came to pass that the knuckleball which had been handed down from the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob was handed down to Jacob’s son Joseph. Joseph was so good at throwing the knuckleball that he led the Old Testament in wins, and for his exploits, was awarded a uniform of many colors.  When however, Joseph got cocky and told his brothers about a dream he had where he was declared “The best player there ever was,” (Genesis 37:5-9) Joseph’s brothers stole his uniform and threw him into a pit. It was then that brother Judah, who aspired to become a General Manager, talked his brothers into lifting Joseph out of the pit, and trading him to the Ishmaelite Indians for twenty pieces of silver. The Ishmaelite Indians then traded Joseph to the Egyptian Expos for a thousand pounds of corn and a pyramid to be named later. (Biblical Baseball scholars note that a different version of the story has the brothers putting Joseph on waivers and leaving him in the pit, where he his later briefly picked up by the Midian Marlins, and then traded to the Ishmaelite Indians. (Genesis 37:26-28)

Joseph did so well in the Egyptian League that he dispelled the rumor that Hebrews weren’t good athletes, and many more were asked to play for the Egyptian Expos and also the Cairo Cubs.

Eventually however, a Pharaoh rose in Egypt who knew not that Joseph was a great pitcher (Exodus 1:8), and he benched the Hebrews and forced them to become groundskeepers over all his ballparks.

Meanwhile, a great switch hitting center fielder named Moses was constantly hitting tremendous home runs into the Nile while playing for the Egyptian Expos’ top farm team; the Midian Shepherds.

And then it came to pass, that Moses saw an Egyptian pitcher whipping to death a Hebrew groundskeeper for not making the mound high enough.  Moses became so enraged that he killed the Egyptian pitcher, and fearing for his life, fled for the hills.  And it was there that he saw a Burning Bush.  At the Bush, the Lord said unto Moses, “Moses, Take off your cleats; the place where you are standing is holy ground.” (Exodus 3:5) God then gave Moses a new pair of Nikes, a brand new uniform, turned his shepherd’s staff into a Louisville Slugger, and informed him that he was being called up to help God keep his contract with Abraham. And God told Moses that he was to use the Louisville Slugger to give signs to his players. (Exodus 4:17)

“I don’t know,” Moses said.  “I’m not sure I can handle all the press, the endorsements, the owners, the free agency.  I don’t speak that well.  It’ll be too much.”  (Exodus 4:10, 13)

“Have you not a brother Aaron who hit 755 homeruns, and then went to the Cairo School of Law and is now a player’s agent.”  God said.  “He will help you.” (Exodus 4:16) And the first thing Aaron did was sign his eighty-year-old brother to a multi-million dollar contract with Nike, where he went on to air many commercials made popular by the phrase, “Mo knows.”

Then Moses and Aaron came before Pharaoh. And Moses said to Pharaoh, “Let my players go.” (Exodus 5:1) And when Pharaoh hesitated, Moses had Aaron turn the Louisville Slugger that God had given Moses into an Arizona Diamondback. (Exodus 7:10) Pharaoh immediately called for two of his finest magicians who entertained the fans in between innings of games. The magicians each wielding Louisville Sluggers of their own were also able to turn their bats into Arizona Diamondbacks. And then Pharaoh’s two Arizona Diamondbacks competed in a hit, run, and throw contest with the Arizona Diamondback of God. The Arizona Diamondback of God easily swallowed up the competition (Exodus 7:11-12) out-hitting, and out-throwing the combined distance of Pharaoh’s players, and also running twice as fast. Pharaoh seemed impressed, and for a moment considered letting Moses’ players go. But then his heart was hardened (Exodus 7:13), and he decided to challenge Moses and the players of Moses’ choice to a baseball game.

In the top of the first inning, the Hebrews were so far ahead of Pharaoh’s team that Pharaoh said to Moses, “Okay, we forfeit, I’ll let your players go, but could you just let my players get some practice and hit in the bottom half of the inning.”  Moses agreed, but when Pharaoh’s players, still playing like it was an official game, tied the score, Pharaoh changed his mind, and told Moses they had to keep playing.

Pharaoh also forfeited in the top half of the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth innings.  But right after forfeiting, Pharaoh would once again ask Moses to let the Egyptian’s get some practice by hitting in the bottom half of those innings.  And then when the Egyptian’s tied the score, Pharaoh would demand that the Hebrews keep playing. The same thing happened in the top half of the tenth inning.  But in the bottom of the tenth, Pharaoh’s oldest son was killed when he collided into the catcher in an attempt to tie the score.  The catcher held on to the ball and Pharaoh’s son made the third and final out of the game.  Pharaoh, so distraught over his son’s death told Moses to take his player’s and leave Egypt forever.  (Exodus 12:29-31) And thus, with God and Aaron’s help, Moses was able to rescue the Hebrews from their grounds-keeping jobs, and see to it that Pharaoh never had another catch with his first-born son.

For many years, Moses led the traveling Hebrew All-Star team known as the Wandering Jews (made up of the best players from the twelve teams of Israel) to many victories, and along the way, he became the first .400 hitter.  But when they got near Jericho, which everyone was well aware housed the Jericho Giants, the greatest team in their day, God had Moses send out twelve of his best players, one from each of the twelve teams of Israel to act as scouts and see what it would take to beat the Jericho Giants. (Numbers 13:1-18) All, but two of the scouts, Caleb and Joshua, felt there was no way they could beat the Giants and refused to play against the Giants. (Numbers 14:6-10) This lack of confidence enraged God who ordered his players to practice for forty years deciding it would take that long to gather up a team good enough to beat the Giants. (Numbers 14:33)

After forty years of everyone fielding ground balls, and flies, and taking hours on end of batting practice, and playing thousands upon thousands of games against each other, God was satisfied with everyone except Moses.  And it was not because that at the age of one hundred and twenty Moses was passed his prime.  In fact, God admitted that Moses could still hit, run, throw, and see, as well as he did at eighteen, for as it is written “Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died; his sight was not dimmed nor had his vigor failed.” (Deuteronomy 34:7) However, the Lord said unto Moses “I am giving you your release because of the two times you swung at pitches after I had given you the take sign. Because of that, you may go up to the top of Mount Nebo in Moab to the East of Jericho, and from that distance you shall be allowed to see the all new retractable SkyDome that I am having built for the Israelites in Jerusalem, but you shall not be allowed to play in it.” (Deuteronomy 32:48-52)

God did however reward Moses, by making him the first player in Deuteronomy to have his number retired, and by naming five books after him. (After Moses, every player who had his number retired was inducted into the Book of Numbers.) At his retirement ceremony, Moses gave a tearful farewell speech where he thanked God for allowing him to become a switch hitter and declared himself, “the luckiest man on the face of the earth.” There has not arisen a player since in Israel like Moses, whom God gave signs to face to face. (Deuteronomy 34:10) (Many Biblical Scholars feel that Moses was the greatest player to have ever played the game. Still, many others argue that Jesus and David were the best, not to mention Aaron and Ruth.  However, it is a known fact that Moses’ baseball card is worth more than any other player’s who played during the post-Abraham era.  In fact, only Adam and Eve’s cards are worth more.)

When Moses finished, a young phenom from the Date league, named Joshua, who many felt would be the next Moses, took over. (Joshua 1:1-2) Joshua, playing with the great pressure of having to be the next Moses started out on the right foot by hitting four homeruns in the deciding game of the Canaanite Playoffs.  All four homeruns easily cleared the mighty green ivy covered wall of Jericho known as the Green Monster.

After Joshua retired, a great slugger named Samson began getting a lot of press because he was the first player to hit a fair ball out of Jerusalem.  (Biblical Baseball scholars estimate that the ball traveled anywhere from 500 to 650 feet, and they all agree that that was and still is, the farthest shot ever hit.) Samson had quick wrists, strong arms, and even his check swings sometimes resulted in towering blasts that easily cleared the Western Wall.  And all the reporters loved to write how he superstitiously believed long hair was the secret to his power.

When the Samson led Jerusalem Jays made it to the Old Testament Series their opponents were the defending champions; the Philistine Phillies.  The owner of the Phillies’ franchise knew his team could win, but when the series went seven games he worried that Samson might pull off the upset.  The day before the seventh game, the owner of the Phillies instructed his daughter Delilah to seduce Samson so she could find a way to render him ineffective at the plate. She obliged her father by sleeping with Samson, and in the middle of the night she shaved his hair into a Mohawk (Judges 16:19), spray painted it purple, and pierced his ear. Samson reacted to the new hairdo by striking out every at-bat and by dropping every fly ball hit to him in right field. And it came to pass that the Jays lost the series. Enraged by what happened, Samson stuck around after the game and destroyed the Philistine Dome, killing himself, as well as all the Philistine players and fans celebrating on the field. (Judges 16:30)

The Philistine Phillies eventually built a new dome, and due to some fine draft picks, and a great farm system, continued to dominate.  Much of their success was due to their ten-foot tall relief pitcher, Goliath (Also known as the Big Unit) (1 Samuel 17:4), who threw the ball 110 M.P.H. and saved every game he was in. (The King James abstract notes that only Jesus saved more games than Goliath). Goliath proved to be unhittable until a young Israelite rookie named David hit one of the giant’s fastballs into the Philistine’s forehead, killing the great Phillie reliever, and gaining a victory for the Israelites. (1 Samuel 17:49) (Many Biblical baseball scholars note that David had never played before that game. And the only reason he’d been given a chance to play was as the shortest member of the team the coaches had put him in to draw a walk.)

David impressed his coaches so much in that game that they benched Saul, and made David the new centerfielder. (The King James abstract notes that prior to David, Saul had the record for the most career hits. But David easily surpassed him to become the career hits leader. Biblical scholars ascribe that though Saul was a fan favorite, David easily replaced him. Many fans were heard to chant: Saul has hits in the thousands, and David has hits in the ten thousands.) (1 Samuel 18:7)

David ended the year by becoming the first rookie to win the Rookie of the Year and the M.V.P.  He was also named Jerusalem Illustrated’s ‘Sportsman of The Year.’ David eventually became Commissioner over all of Baseball. As Commissioner, David’s plan was to finally complete the construction of the retractable SkyDome in Jerusalem. But David’s exploits off the field with Bathsheba, which started with his ordering Joab, the General Manager of the Jerusalem Jays to give Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband his release (2 Samuel 11:14-15), angered God and David was not allowed to finish building the all-new retractable SkyDome in Jerusalem. Many years later when David retired, Samuel, the number one sports writer for the Tiberias Tribune wrote David’s biography.

David’s son, Solomon, proved not to have his father’s athletic prowess, but he was still able to make a name for himself by becoming known as one of the wisest managers and general managers of all time, and eventual Commissioner over all of Baseball. And his famous proverbs including, “It ain’t over till it’s over,” “Hit ‘em where they ain’t,” and  “Don’t look back, someone might be gaining on you,” were memorized by all. And God allowed Solomon to complete the construction of the retractable SkyDome in Jerusalem. (2 Chronicles 3:1)

Many great players played in the SkyDome including Jonah who played for the Whales, and Daniel who played for the Lions.  But no team or players were more popular than the teams led by Judah Maccabee and his brothers, who hammered more homeruns in their time than any other team.  They were also fan favorites because they beat teams that were twice their size, and had twice their income.  The Maccabees were the first of the small market teams to win the Old Testament Series.

Biblical baseball fared well for many years.  All remained well until Job, the second person ever to hit sixty homeruns in a season, (the first being the great heroine Ruth), gave into the Tampa Bay Devil Ray, and accepted money to throw the Old Testament Series. On that day, there was no joy in Jerusalem, Bethlehem, Hebron, Job’s hometown of Uz, or anywhere else, because mighty Job struck out on purpose every time he was up.

God ended the Biblical Pastime after Job’s last strike out.  The last words God had on the subject were heard on every mountaintop, through every valley, and in every den.  Thunderously, the Holy One, Blessed be He, roared, “Say it ain’t so Job!”

“But God, it wasn’t so!” Job yelled.  ” I never gave in!”

And God knew this, for He was only testing Job.  And a new league allowing the designated hitter was organized in Nazareth (with such teams as the Bethlehem Brewers and the Roman Rangers), and the Old Testament Series became known as the World Series.

1 Alter, Robert, Translation with Commentary, The Five Books of Moses, 2004.

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