Christine O’Donnell, the Republican nominee for Senate if elected may want to make Masturbation illegal. She claims masturbation is a sin. When she said that she was twenty-seven years old, and a member of S.A.L.T. (The Savior’s Alliance for Lifting The Truth) Though, she states that she is no longer that extreme, we at Legally Bald have after a lengthy investigation learned that she is a card carrying member of M.O.M.S. (Mothers Opposing Masturbating Sons), and the president of MA (Masturbator’s Anonymous).  Both organizations have spent numerous dollars on billboards across the Country with advertisements dedicated to stopping masturbation. One such advertisement for Masturbator’s Anonymous states: Call your MA. 1-800-the-hand.  O’Donnell is also a member of V.A.G.I.N.A.S. (Virgins Always Gain Intelligence Never Allowing Sex), an organization dedicated to keeping people virgins until they get married.

Though some political pundits believe that O’Donnell and others could be the start of a third political party gaining momentum, most others believe that the “Tea Party” is just an extremely conservative wing of the Republican party. But what the pundits are unaware of, but we at Legally Bald after more intensive investigation (done for no apparent reason) have discovered is that in reaction to O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation crusade, a new third party has begun to emerge.  This third party fears that O’Donnell and others will take away the greatest right we all have. The ultimate freedom of expression.  The name of this third political party is P.A.L.M. (People Advocating Lifetime Masturbation). P.A.L.M. is as radical about masturbation as O’Donnell is against it. In fact, P.A.L.M. wants to make sex illegal and instead only allow masturbation.

P.A.L.M. wants to create government funded support groups to help people make the transition from intercourse to just masturbation. One support group advocating only masturbation wants to especially make sure that parents who have children, teach these children early on not to have sex, but to only masturbate. This group would be called: P.E.N.I.S. (Parents Especially Never Initiate Sex.) MTV would be taken over by the government and renamed Masturbation Television, and MP would no longer stand for Military Police, but for Masturbation Police, and anyone caught having sex instead of masturbating would be arrested.

At the latest P.A.L.M. party rally Pee Wee Herman, and Madonna were seen in the crowd. Bumper stickers were handed out that read: ‘Honk Twice If You Masturbate!’ ‘I’d Rather Be Masturbating!’ and ‘Proud Member of the Masturbator’s Mile High Club.’ T-shirts were given away that read, ‘Don’t Date. Masturbate!’ ‘Don’t Jump In The Sack, Wack!’ and, ‘Don’t Overpopulate. Masturbate.’ Buttons were passed around that had the phrase, ‘The Good Hands Party!’ Also handed out were yellow triangular signs to put inside car windows that read, ‘Masturbator On Board!’ Authors were present to sign their books entitled, Why Masturbation is Better Than Marriage, The Joy of Masturbation, The Masturbator’s Handbook, Chicken Soup for the Soul of People who Choke the Chicken, and, A Hundred Ways To Masturbate Without Using Your Hands!

The P.A.L.M. Party wants to spread the word that masturbation is the thing to do! After all, they say, a person can do it whenever they want, about whoever they want, as many times as they want, they don’t have to worry about catching any diseases, no one gets pregnant or old, and most importantly, it can’t break anyone’s heart! They claim that it’s better to be a compulsive masturbator than a compulsive eater or smoker. They point out that masturbation might be one of the only things left the Surgeon General hasn’t said causes cancer, although a Surgeon General did get fired for suggesting it was healthy. So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if every time people felt like eating that extra snack, or smoking a cigarette, they masturbated instead.  Instead of having ‘Mac Attacks’ people could have ‘Wack Attacks.’ And the new slogan for the war on drugs could be, ‘Kick Crack. Wack!’ And instead of saying, ‘Make Love! Not War!’ people could say, ‘Don’t Hate! Masturbate!’ And, ‘I’m a masturbator, not a fighter!’

The P.A.L.M. party believes that masturbation is the solution to all the world’s problems. They claim that the biggest problem facing the world is overpopulation. So if more people masturbated instead of having sex, there’d be less people. And less people means more food for the people already here. And less people means more energy. More oil. More fresh air for people to breath. More jobs. More houses. More money. And most importantly, that tiresome debate between the pro-choicers and the pro-lifers would finally come to an end.

If any of the P.A.L.M. party’s members get elected to Congress, they will work hard to pass the P.A.L.M. Act. The P.A.L.M. act will enable the government to put an end to all private ownership of anything having to do with pornography. Instead the government will take over the sales’ operations for Penthouse and Playboy magazine, as well as all soft and hardcore pornographic materials and establishments, sponsor their own 1-900 numbers and Playboy channels, and in a few years the deficit will be over, and the economy will be back in shape!

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