HORRORSCOPES

 

Sometimes I think in addition to having Horoscopes there should also be Horrorscopes. Astrologists for Horrorscopes would just predict when bad things are going to happen to people. Like when you’re going to get sick, die, divorced, dumped, fired, etc… Just bad news.

I also don’t really like my sign.  I’m Aquarius which basically means I’m a water bearer. Or in layperson’s terms a water boy. The guy on the football team who has to give everyone else water. Why couldn’t Aquarius be the beer bearer? Then people would be happy to see me. Hey there’s the beer bearer.  He’s got beer. I like him. He’s fun to have at a party. Let’s invite him. As opposed to the water boy. He sucks. He’s a loser. Or better yet, why couldn’t Aquarius be the Dom Perion Bearer?

But being a water bearer is better than being Cancer.  What kind of sign is that?  Not a good sign.  This has to be the worst sign to have. Whose bright idea was it to name a sign after a disease? Imagine everyone had a sign named after a disease.

“Hi I’m cancer. “

“Nice to meet you. I’m Lou Gehrig’s disease.  I just broke up with Hepatitis C so I’m free tomorrow night if you want to go see a movie.”

“Sounds great. I just broke up with Multiple Sclerosis, and my date with Tuberculosis didn’t go so well.”

Now Virgo’s an interesting sign. When a woman says she’s a Virgo I think she’s saying she’s a virgin.  And then I realize so what. What’s a virgin want with a water bearer?

 

 

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