THE BEFORE GUY

I’ve always suspected that whenever there’s a natural disaster or a plane crashes, or any other type of disaster and the survivors are interviewed that it’s always the same people who survive every disaster.

I also think those same people who survive every disaster are also the same people in those commercials who get interviewed after they just saw a movie, and they say how great it was. No matter what the movie is it’s always the same people interviewed.

And I’m pretty sure those same disaster-surviving-movie-lovers are the same people you always see winning all the sweepstakes and lotteries.

In fact, I’m convinced that those same disaster-surviving-movie-loving-prize-winners are the ones used in all those before and after pictures for all those hair-loss, smoother-skin, weight-loss, whiter teeth commercials, etc.

It’s like there’s a set number of say a hundred people who have jobs surviving natural disasters, commenting on movies, winning prizes, and doing before and after pictures.

As it turns out my paranoia conspiracy theory may have some merit. A group of people in Fort Myers, Florida who are avid late-night infomercial watchers began to notice that one person in particular was showing up in every infomercial for every diet, vision, hair-loss, smoother skin, whiter teeth, exercise-machine product advertised on late night television. And one day one of these avid late-night infomercial watchers saw this person in a store and he looked nothing like any of his after shots. They hired an investigator to track the person down to get pictures and gather other proof. The group then brought a class action suit against the companies who advertised the infomercials for fraud, misrepresentation, and false advertising.

The man was a professional Before-Person. He got paid to be a Before-Person. The only thing his body was perfect for was posing for a Before-photo. His After-shots were computer generated to make him look the way he would look if the products really worked. Naturally, he wasn’t supposed to be seen in public and was in fact paid to stay in hiding, sort of like the witness-protection program, and then when he was no longer needed he would get an extreme-makeover and look like someone completely different, so no one would ever be the wiser. But apparently he didn’t like the idea of staying cooped up or he planned on going public because he felt guilty about the fraud, or depending on whom you believe he was holding out for more money and when it was denied he decided to go public.

DreamWorks bought the rights to the movie and now the man is a millionaire. The move, The Before Guy will be coming to theaters this summer. The movie poster has a Before photo of the man, and underneath the title it reads: A below-average looking guy on the run from corporate millionaires trying to keep secret a conspiracy that reaches so high-up, even the President of the Hair Club For Men is involved.

If the movie is a hit people will wear Proud To Be A Before-Guy T-shirts.  Bumper stickers will say, Honk Twice If  You’re A Before-GuyI’d Rather Be a Before-Guy.  Before-Guys Do It Better.  Fox will air the sitcom, The Before-Guys.  Stores will sell Before-Guy non-action figures.  And there’ll be the musical.  With the hit songs, ‘It’s no sin to love a man’s double chin’; ‘I don’t care that he’s losing his hair’; ‘He’s kind and he’s fair, and his love handles are out to there’. And maybe, just for a little while, beautiful women will want to date Before-Guys.

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