THE DILDO ACT

So in Lowe v. State, 35 FLW D1463(Fla. 5th DCA 2010), David Lowe was charged with Lewd or Lascivious exhibition in violation of Florida Statute, 800.04(7)(a)3.  What Mr. Lowe did was while sitting in his truck at a convenience store, he put a dildo in his mouth whenever a woman walked by. A child under sixteen also happened to see this, which prompted the arrest of Mr. Lowe. Mr. Lowe was specifically charged with, “the simulation of any act involving sexual activity.”  The definition of “sexual activity,” per the statute is: the oral, anal, or vaginal penetration by, or union with, the sexual organ of another or the anal or vaginal penetration of another by any other object.” Mr. Lowe’s attorney moved to dismiss the case because putting a dildo in a person’s own mouth is not “sexual activity,” as that activity is defined in 800.04.

The trial Judge denied the motion thinking that if he granted it he would forever be known as, “Judge-Dildo.” But the Judges of the Fifth DCA knowing that, “dildos, sticks, and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you” (or for that matter even be heard if one has a dildo in ones’ mouth), reversed and remanded the case for discharge. Judge Torpy and Judge Jacobus concurred in the almost all-brevard panel. And in case anyone is wondering what a Dildo is, footnote 1 of the opinion gives the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary definition of Dildo, with an internet cite and all.  And footnote 2 states: No dildos were used in the rendering of this decision.

But I’m wondering when the outrage is going to set in. When are the anti-dildo-in-your-own-mouth-people going to put pressure on the legislature to amend the statute so putting a dildo in your own mouth is “sexual activity.” When is some state representative going to succumb to the pressure and introduce the Dildo Act. After all, this opinion could spawn an epidemic of people putting dildos in their own mouths. All those people who wanted to put one in their mouth, but were afraid of getting arrested are now free to make Florida, “The Dildo State.” And whose to say they’ll stop at the mouth. Soon that innocent joke about having a banana in your ear will turn into:

JOE: Hey, Frank, you have a dildo in your ear.

FRANK: What?

JOE: I  said, Frank, you have a dildo in your ear.

FRANK: Huh?

JOE: HEY!!! FRANK!!! YOU HAVE A DILDO IN YOUR EAR!!!

FRANK: I’m sorry, Joe, I can’t hear you. I have a dildo in my ear.

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